How to win at dating apps

Dating apps continue to get negative press - but there are still plenty of people who marry someone they matched with online. You might also find more than a romantic partner, if you’re willing to throw your hat in the ring.

I can’t remember the first online date I went on. Partly because it would have been over 10 years ago but mostly because it was probably nothing to write home about. I’ve heard stories of people meeting their partner on the first app date they ever went on - for others, it was 100s of dates before finding the one. (The fact that dating apps are now charging high fees for monthly subscriptions, profile boosts and in app features makes me a bit sad - it’s like the commoditisation of love. But that’s a story for another day.)

I recently did a bit of an audit of the couples I’ve married, and about a quarter of their meeting stories involved a dating app. The sample size isn’t yet large enough to draw any definitive conclusions! But a common theme is that there’s normally some kind of human interaction that comes before or after the initial match. Perhaps they met years earlier in person and later matched on an app. Or, in one case, had matched on an app and experienced the all too common phenomenon of a conversation simply dying out, despite the initial interest. Had they not spotted each other by chance ‘in the wild’ (at the supermarket), the conversation might have never been restarted and they wouldn’t be married today.

Of course, some dating app meeting stories are much more straightforward - liked the look of each other, swiped yes, and here we are. But even then, there’s an element of randomness and luck that comes into it. I know for a fact that if I swipe through a few profiles when I’m tired or in a bad mood - it’s going to be a big fat NO to everyone! On other days, when I’m feeling a bit more positive, I tend to give other people’s online presence the benefit of the doubt - you can’t really know if you like someone until you meet them in person. Which gives me this uncomfortable feeling that in one swipe no instead of yes, I’ve got the power to divert a potential trajectory my life could have been on.

I’ve heard of people making up alternative stories of how they met, thinking that meeting on a dating app is perhaps embarrassing or boring. But I think dating app meetings involve an incredible amount of courage and luck - given the overwhelming volume of profiles to sift through, the messages to send, the dates to schedule. It takes a lot of courage to walk alone into a bar, a cafe, a restaurant and meet a complete stranger for the very first time (time after time); two sets of hopes, dreams and emotional baggage thrown together to see if something sticks.

“It takes a lot of courage to walk alone into a bar, a cafe, a restaurant and meet a complete stranger for the very first time (time after time); two sets of hopes, dreams and emotional baggage thrown together to see if something sticks”

Learning to deal with rejection, mastering the art of having a difficult conversation and keeping your self-esteem intact while online dating are all things you only learn from being actually rejected, from being willing to have a difficult conversation and from having your feelings hurt. Dealing with all of this in a dating culture where people seem less and less open to committing - to rinse and repeat the match/message/meet process until you one day click with someone enough to pursue a relationship - is something kind of amazing. So to those who tell me they ‘just met on a dating app’ - I salute you. And even if you don’t meet your partner using a dating app, you’ll have the life skills you gained forever, and potentially much more.

My best dating app story? Last year, I went on a third date with someone I’d met on a dating app. We decided to go to a bar in the city with a dance floor. I was dancing around and was in a bit of a talkative mood, so I got to chatting with someone in the toilet queue (as you do). We were getting along so well in the short time we were queuing that she said to me ‘you’ll have to come and meet my partner.’ Now, when I tell this story, at this point most people think it is going in a certain way - and I will tell you now - this does not end in a threesome. However, we did swap details at the end of the night, and I now count Cam & Paget - the two great humans I met that night - amongst my closest friends. So while date three was to be my last date with that particular gentleman, I walked away with far more than what I came into that date with, and that is a win that I would not otherwise have had without a dating app.

So, how to win at dating apps? Recognise that they are just one of many ways to bring two (or more) people together; don’t rely on them as a single source of connection, whether that be romantic or otherwise. Be open to making new connections - mates, dates or a life partner. Be honest. Be kind and gentle with yourself and others. And talk to the person next to you in the toilet queue!