Vows - FAQs and a practical guide
Writing vows can feel daunting and it can be hard to know where to start. In this post, I’ll answer some frequently asked questions that I get from my couples and give you a practical template to use to kick off the writing process.
Are there any rules for personal vows?
No. You’re free to say whatever you like, so long as the personal vows don’t contradict the legal vows in some way. Also, while a bit of humour is great, I’d recommend making sure your personal vows also include enough of the sentimental as well as the funny, just to ensure your promises to each other are meaningful.
Do we have to do personal vows?
The short answer is no. Personal vows are not a legal requirement and you can simply say your legal vows and call it a day.
If you feel like you want to do personal vows, but you just feel nervous about it, I’d say push through that feeling and be confident that you’ll feel a lot less anxious when the time actually comes. Lots of people say after the wedding that they expected to be much more anxious during the ceremony than they ended up being. So, don’t let the natural jitters hold you back from expressing yourself on the day.
But perhaps you’ve got a feeling that doing personalised vows just isn’t for you - and that is OK! It’s my job to make sure the ceremony says enough about you, without you necessarily needing to do the talking. Another option is to take a moment with your partner to say your vows to each other privately, or exchange written vows.
How long should my vows be?
Everyone is different and will feel more or less comfortable with the prospect of reading their vows in front of a potentially large group of people. Some may prefer to keep it brief, with others having a lot they want to say.
As a rough guide, if you write 200 words, this will take around 1 minute to speak out loud. So I normally recommend writing vows that are around 200 words, particularly for couples who are looking to prepare vows that are similar in length.
Do my vows have to be the same length as my partner’s?
This is a great question!
For some couples, it is important that the vows are the same length. Having seen a few sets of vows where one partner’s vows were longer than the other, I actually think this is less important and having vows of differing lengths can work well. But - and this is the important part - where this works well is where the vows were aligned in terms of the level of thought and feeling that had gone into them.
At a recent ceremony I officiated, one partner had written longer vows that more directly expressed their feelings and experiences with their partner. Their partner’s vows were much shorter, but they were expressed in the form of a poem, which perfectly captured the love they had for their partner, even if they were much shorter in length.
I’m not saying you have to be Shakespeare to get away with shorter vows. Just that if you are going for something shorter, you should try and make sure your vows are tailored to who your partner is and how you feel about them (rather than using something very basic or generic). If you don’t, it might look like you didn’t try too hard, especially if your partner has put lots of effort into writing very detailed vows.
The good news is - your celebrant can help here! If you’re concerned about ensuring your vows are of a similar length or style, you can each send a copy of your vows to your celebrant, who can give you some tips on how to align them.
At the end of the day though, if you and your partner just have very different ways of expressing each other and have vows that are of a different length or overall style, I really wouldn’t worry too much. Your friends and family will be stoked for you regardless of what you say (within reason)!
Can I use Chat GPT?
I think you should have a go yourself first - including using my template below to get you started! But I do understand that sometimes writing doesn’t come easily to some. So to answer this question, how about we actually give this a go?
I just asked Chat GPT to write me some wedding vows that are 200 words in length and this is what I got:
“Today, in front of everyone we cherish, I choose you as my partner, my love, and my best friend. I promise to support you, honour you, and stand beside you through all of life’s moments—big and small, joyful and challenging. I vow to respect your dreams and to build a life with you filled with laughter, warmth, and kindness. I will love you not only for who you are but for who you inspire me to become. I promise to encourage you, cherish you, and celebrate the beauty of each day with you. With you, I have found the home my heart has always longed for. Together, I know we can face anything life brings, for our love is a source of strength and comfort. From this day forward, I give you all that I am and all that I have. I am yours, in body, mind, and soul, for the rest of my days. Today, I take you as my partner and vow to walk beside you for all my life.”
Sure, these aren’t bad, but they’re pretty generic. You could try prompting Chat GPT with some specific facts about your partner or the messages you’d like to get across to ensure these are more tailored. Let’s have another go, by asking Chat GPT “can you please tailor these to highlight my partner’s love for their family and how much I respect the fact they always have time for the important people in their life?” This was the result:
“Today I stand before you and all those who mean the most to us, humbled and grateful to be by your side. I am constantly moved by the love and dedication you show to your family and the way you make time for everyone who matters to you. I vow to honour and cherish this part of you, knowing that it is a beautiful reminder of who you are at your core. I promise to respect your love for those who helped shape you and to embrace them as part of our lives together. I vow to be by your side as a partner who not only values your family but celebrates the depth of your connections and the generosity of your heart. Together, we will build a life full of love, laughter, and time spent with those we hold dear. Today, and for all our days, I promise to stand with you, to support your dreams, and to cherish the kindness you share so freely. I am yours, in heart and soul, for all the days of my life.”
You could keep working with these and adding new prompts, to get to something more personalised. If you choose this route, I would recommend not starting with telling your family and friends during the ceremony that you used Chat GPT to write them. I’ve seen this happen and have heard it is becoming more common in ceremonies, with celebrants taking different views on whether this is funny/good or not.
I’m all for a bit of humour in ceremonies, but it’s my personal view that this really does take away from the moment and there is a time and a place to make a joke like this, and right before your vows is not it. As above, this doesn’t mean your vows can’t be light and funny, and I don’t think there is anything fundamentally wrong with using Chat GPT to help you write the basic structure of your vows, which you can then personalise. I just don’t think joking about using Chat GPT during the ceremony sends the right message.
Do you have a template I could use to get started?
I sure do! This is less a template for you to fill in the blanks, but more a way to help you get in the right mindset to prepare your vows and then how to think about structuring them once you’ve got some good content in mind. There’s no one way to write vows and your family and friends will be stoked for you no matter what you say - again - within reason!
Reflect on your relationship
Firstly, spend some time reflecting on your relationship. Some good questions to ask yourself about your partner (and write down the answers to) might be:
1. What was your first impression when you met?
2. What are their best qualities? What are their worst qualities?
3. What are the little things they do for you that you appreciate?
4. What have they taught you? What do you respect most about them?
5. How would you spend an ideal day together?
6. When you look 10 years in the future, what do you see? What would you like your life with them to look like?
Ready to start writing?
In terms of structure, the following might help you think about how to put it all together and also creates a nice narrative structure (looking back, making promises, looking forward).
Introduction
Start with an introductory statement or a reflection on your relationship. Some examples:
Introductory statement: The first time I saw you, I thought/felt... / Ever since [insert an important moment] I’ve known that we’d be standing here
AND/OR
Reflect/Remember: I still remember the time we... / Since then, we've done so much ... / I can't believe we....
Promises
Next, what promises are you making to your partner? What do you promise to be, to strive for and to create in terms of your life with them?
Promises/vows: I promise/vow to be... / I promise/vow to always... /
What’s next?
Finally, let’s look to the future - what are you most excited about as you look to your future together?
Looking ahead/finishing: I'm looking forward to... / I can't wait to... / I'm proud of... / I love you...
Hopefully this has helped you get the wheels in motion, but if you’re not sure, reach out to me for help! Your celebrant is not only there to make your marriage legal, but is there to support you with all aspects of the ceremony. So if you’re looking for a celebrant who can help with these details, please get in touch with me and let’s work together to make your ceremony and vows the best they could be!